How could it possibly be that you have to worry about such an absurdity as your relatives trying to hurt you?
As adults we have had to learn the hard way through societal interaction and experience that not everyone is nice and caring, nor do they have our best interests at heart. Unfortunately this is a fact. We are surrounded by hoodooers and backstabbers.
There are people who would be inclined to climb on and over our corpses if there was something in it for themselves.
When our parents taught us to beware of strangers, that usually meant those who we did not know could potentially harm us. Stranger danger. Never once do I remember being lectured to that I must watch out for family members (from a direct bloodline or in-laws by marriage) whose souls were filled with sarcasm, clouded by insecurity, plagued with jealousy and consumed with ignorance.
Who knew that one may be forced at some point in one’s life to ward off hateful behaviors and combative communication from a relative who emphatically felt the need to contribute to your demise by constant attacks?
Examples of when your so-called “family”
turns out to be your worst enemy:
1 ) You marry into a family who thinks you are not good enough,
nor will you ever be for their son/daughter/sibling.
At every turn in your relationship with your significant other, you must always be looking over your shoulder and around corners for negative comments and sneaky sabotage to your character. You have to defend yourself from blatant lies concocted by your miserable, jealous sister-in-laws or having your brother-in-law tell you to your face, “You’re not part of this family.” Then again, when it comes to the Christmas time gathering, with everyone watching, they saccharinely kiss your cheek and say, “It’s nice to see you.” Actually, you dread these awkward family socials because you know that ultimately they will feast on your carcass as the main course…or poison your plum pudding. You can never relax and let your guard down. In fact, the stress makes you physically ill. The most upsetting part is when you confide in your partner, they defend their family. Unfortunately the ride home always turns into a screaming match followed by a session of uncontrollable crying.
2 ) What if your own mother or father do not love you
and could care less if you were breathing breath or not?
They make no effort to contact you or see you. Your well-being is not their concern. The most hurtful thing is that you honestly know their sentiments in relation to you and it cuts to the bone. The bottom line in this is if your parents don’t love you, you ultimately think, “What is wrong with me? This is supposed to be a birthright given unconditionally.” This could also transfer to, “If my parental units do not care about me, why should I care about myself?” This mentality of low self-esteem and unworthiness could lead to anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction and other self-destructive behaviors.
3 ) You have been happily married for ten years…
or so you thought.
You begin to notice drastic changes in your relationship. Your husband starts staying out later and later each evening. You notice significant amounts of money missing from your joint account. You confront your spouse and he responds with, “You’re crazy!” You begin to super sleuth through his cell phone bill and find a number that has been called and is calling repetitively. You dial this number and the woman on the other end of the phone tries to reassure you that they are just friends and have met at work. Your suspicious mind goes off the deep end and hires a private investigator who informs you that indeed your husband is cheating with this woman and has fathered a child with her. The child is seven years old.
4 ) Your brother is a backstabbing bastard.
Your parents pass away. You and your brother take over the family business. Problems start to arise with customers complaining of missing merchandise and that they have been shorted on deliveries. You demand answers from your sibling about the screwups and the complaints. He peddles quick answers that he will handle it. Everyday you receive yet another inquiry from a client. They paid and did not get. You question your brother repetitively. He brushes you off. You then get notification from the bank. Your brother has borrowed against the business and is delinquent in repaying the loan. Unfortunately you found out too late. You file bankruptcy and lose the family business due to double dealing and dipping.
It is unrealistic to believe that every family structure should be compared to the proverbial “Leave It to Beaver” model from the 1960s television show. On the other hand I do not feel that it is far-fetched to expect mutual love, respect and support when referring to our family members. Oh silly me and my hopeful self. That is just not the case nor the scenario for some of us.
Having to be on high alert toward those considered kin is not what one would choose. But if you have been repeatedly put in the position of sweeping trouble from your doorstep that was brought on by repetitive toxic behaviors from family members, I’d say it’s time to address the subject.
Obviously there had to have been many signs, symptoms and examples that have led to the boiling-over phase of toxicity and conflict.
Could it have possibly been the years of sideways sneers?
The constant snippy comments?
The blatantly sneaky tendencies?
The acts of incredible selfishness?
The persistent poking jabs?
The onslaught of lies?
Or at times the volatility?
Any or all of the above examples of hatefulness could lead you to believe you are involved in an unhealthy situation and would indicate that you should run for cover.
Ending any type of relationship, whether it be friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, or with a blood relative, requires stamina to work through the soul searching, the internal struggle, host of emotions and endless daunting questions placed upon oneself. But, when you are considering or have come to the conclusion to call it quits with a relative, there is a multiplied sense of loyalty involved. Your own moral compass is off-kilter, and as such you are unsure of direction. Which path do you take?
You may just have to love these family members from a distance.
This might translate to spending considerably less time around these individuals. But if the abuse is unbearable, remove yourself completely from their clutches.
If you decide to generate conversation concerning this negative behavior, do not be surprised if the other party dishes you a plate full of passive aggressive, judgmental verbiage, accompanied by some disturbing gestures. If these folks were willing to communicate effectively and work with you rather than against you, there would be no need for the discussion in the first place. They have made it their goal to make you miserable. They have a carefully crafted routine of slinging sarcasm and excuses. They have many methods for deflecting off themselves and dumping it back on you. This will not suddenly stop because you were brave enough to bring it to their attention.
In fact, they may turn up the heat and try to bully you into submission.
For every valid point of contention that you raise, be prepared for them to turn it against you and claim that it is all your fault. Toxic people are masters of the blame game. They want you to hush and bow down. If these tactics fail, they will probably attempt to manipulate you into feelings of guilt, duty and obligation. Guilt is an extremely powerful weapon if you allow it to be.
Here lies the danger if you back down, go along to get along, don’t speak up and take a proactive stance.
You start to question yourself with agonizing thoughts. You are forced to contemplate your own sanity and worthiness, especially if you have been called crazy and told it is your fault. You have had the script flipped on you constantly and the fingers pointed at you as the “bad one” countless times. You have been infiltrated and infected with overwhelming doses of toxicity and the effects begin to show. You are off-balance and it has taken a toll. You are inundated with emotions, mostly feelings of hurt and anger. You struggle between forgiveness and hatred. Your appetite may suffer. You are plagued with sleepless nights. You find it impossible to stop the tears. The bombardment of negativity and its repercussions have left you utterly resentful and broken.
Now is the time to realize and awaken to the fact that it is not you.
It is them.
You have absolutely NO control over what they say and what they do. Their opinions and behaviors are based on their own poor self-reflection. If you have given many opportunities and multiple attempts to repair the damage, but it is an obvious pattern that your relatives refuse to break, you know you must move on.
Detach, release and walk away.
Remember that your toxic family member(s) determined the pecking order and they probably want to keep the status quo of dominance, belligerence and disrespect.
Why wouldn’t they? They are not on the receiving end. The only thing is that they cannot continue the dysfunction if you decide to remove yourself from the equation.
So do what you must to save yourself.
No one deserves to be treated this way,especially by your so-called “family.”
About the Author
Kaylee is a co-founder of Good JuJu For You. She has been mindfully aware of and practicing her psychic abilities since she was a child. Led by her spirit guides, Kaylee has obtained a vast wealth of knowledge and experience with the ethereal realm and alternative modalities of energy healing.