Free shipping

When Your So-Called Family Turns Out to Be Your Worst Enemy

When Your So-Called Family Turns Out to Be Your Worst Enemy

How could it possibly be that you have to worry about such an absurdity as your relatives trying to hurt you?

family tearing you down

As adults we have had to learn the hard way through societal interaction and experience that not everyone is nice and caring, nor do they have our best interests at heart. Unfortunately this is a fact. We are surrounded by hoodooers and backstabbers.

There are people who would be inclined to climb on and over our corpses if there was something in it for themselves.

When our parents taught us to beware of strangers, that usually meant those who we did not know could potentially harm us. Stranger danger. Never once do I remember being lectured to that I must watch out for family members (from a direct bloodline or in-laws by marriage) whose souls were filled with sarcasm, clouded by insecurity, plagued with jealousy and consumed with ignorance.

Who knew that one may be forced at some point in one’s life to ward off hateful behaviors and combative communication from a relative who emphatically felt the need to contribute to your demise by constant attacks?

Examples of when your so-called “family”
turns out to be your worst enemy:

1 ) You marry into a family who thinks you are not good enough,
nor will you ever be for their son/daughter/sibling.

At every turn in your relationship with your significant other, you must always be looking over your shoulder and around corners for negative comments and sneaky sabotage to your character. You have to defend yourself from blatant lies concocted by your miserable, jealous sister-in-laws or having your brother-in-law tell you to your face, “You’re not part of this family.” Then again, when it comes to the Christmas time gathering, with everyone watching, they saccharinely kiss your cheek and say, “It’s nice to see you.” Actually, you dread these awkward family socials because you know that ultimately they will feast on your carcass as the main course…or poison your plum pudding. You can never relax and let your guard down. In fact, the stress makes you physically ill. The most upsetting part is when you confide in your partner, they defend their family. Unfortunately the ride home always turns into a screaming match followed by a session of uncontrollable crying.

2 ) What if your own mother or father do not love you
and could care less if you were breathing breath or not?

They make no effort to contact you or see you. Your well-being is not their concern. The most hurtful thing is that you honestly know their sentiments in relation to you and it cuts to the bone. The bottom line in this is if your parents don’t love you, you ultimately think, “What is wrong with me? This is supposed to be a birthright given unconditionally.” This could also transfer to, “If my parental units do not care about me, why should I care about myself?” This mentality of low self-esteem and unworthiness could lead to anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction and other self-destructive behaviors.

3 ) You have been happily married for ten years…
or so you thought.

You begin to notice drastic changes in your relationship. Your husband starts staying out later and later each evening. You notice significant amounts of money missing from your joint account. You confront your spouse and he responds with, “You’re crazy!” You begin to super sleuth through his cell phone bill and find a number that has been called and is calling repetitively. You dial this number and the woman on the other end of the phone tries to reassure you that they are just friends and have met at work. Your suspicious mind goes off the deep end and hires a private investigator who informs you that indeed your husband is cheating with this woman and has fathered a child with her. The child is seven years old.

4 ) Your brother is a backstabbing bastard.

Your parents pass away. You and your brother take over the family business. Problems start to arise with customers complaining of missing merchandise and that they have been shorted on deliveries. You demand answers from your sibling about the screwups and the complaints. He peddles quick answers that he will handle it. Everyday you receive yet another inquiry from a client. They paid and did not get. You question your brother repetitively. He brushes you off. You then get notification from the bank. Your brother has borrowed against the business and is delinquent in repaying the loan. Unfortunately you found out too late. You file bankruptcy and lose the family business due to double dealing and dipping.


family tears you down

It is unrealistic to believe that every family structure should be compared to the proverbial “Leave It to Beaver” model from the 1960s television show. On the other hand I do not feel that it is far-fetched to expect mutual love, respect and support when referring to our family members. Oh silly me and my hopeful self. That is just not the case nor the scenario for some of us.

Having to be on high alert toward those considered kin is not what one would choose. But if you have been repeatedly put in the position of sweeping trouble from your doorstep that was brought on by repetitive toxic behaviors from family members, I’d say it’s time to address the subject.

Obviously there had to have been many signs, symptoms and examples that have led to the boiling-over phase of toxicity and conflict.

Could it have possibly been the years of sideways sneers?
The constant snippy comments?
The blatantly sneaky tendencies?
The acts of incredible selfishness?
The persistent poking jabs?
The onslaught of lies?
Or at times the volatility?

Any or all of the above examples of hatefulness could lead you to believe you are involved in an unhealthy situation and would indicate that you should run for cover.

Ending any type of relationship, whether it be friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, or with a blood relative, requires stamina to work through the soul searching, the internal struggle, host of emotions and endless daunting questions placed upon oneself. But, when you are considering or have come to the conclusion to call it quits with a relative, there is a multiplied sense of loyalty involved. Your own moral compass is off-kilter, and as such you are unsure of direction. Which path do you take?

You may just have to love these family members from a distance.

This might translate to spending considerably less time around these individuals. But if the abuse is unbearable, remove yourself completely from their clutches.

If you decide to generate conversation concerning this negative behavior, do not be surprised if the other party dishes you a plate full of passive aggressive, judgmental verbiage, accompanied by some disturbing gestures. If these folks were willing to communicate effectively and work with you rather than against you, there would be no need for the discussion in the first place. They have made it their goal to make you miserable. They have a carefully crafted routine of slinging sarcasm and excuses. They have many methods for deflecting off themselves and dumping it back on you. This will not suddenly stop because you were brave enough to bring it to their attention.

In fact, they may turn up the heat and try to bully you into submission.

For every valid point of contention that you raise, be prepared for them to turn it against you and claim that it is all your fault. Toxic people are masters of the blame game. They want you to hush and bow down. If these tactics fail, they will probably attempt to manipulate you into feelings of guilt, duty and obligation. Guilt is an extremely powerful weapon if you allow it to be.

Here lies the danger if you back down, go along to get along, don’t speak up and take a proactive stance.

You start to question yourself with agonizing thoughts. You are forced to contemplate your own sanity and worthiness, especially if you have been called crazy and told it is your fault. You have had the script flipped on you constantly and the fingers pointed at you as the “bad one” countless times. You have been infiltrated and infected with overwhelming doses of toxicity and the effects begin to show. You are off-balance and it has taken a toll. You are inundated with emotions, mostly feelings of hurt and anger. You struggle between forgiveness and hatred. Your appetite may suffer. You are plagued with sleepless nights. You find it impossible to stop the tears. The bombardment of negativity and its repercussions have left you utterly resentful and broken.

Now is the time to realize and awaken to the fact that it is not you.
It is them.

You have absolutely NO control over what they say and what they do. Their opinions and behaviors are based on their own poor self-reflection. If you have given many opportunities and multiple attempts to repair the damage, but it is an obvious pattern that your relatives refuse to break, you know you must move on.

Detach, release and walk away.

time to turn your back

Remember that your toxic family member(s) determined the pecking order and they probably want to keep the status quo of dominance, belligerence and disrespect.

Why wouldn’t they? They are not on the receiving end. The only thing is that they cannot continue the dysfunction if you decide to remove yourself from the equation.

So do what you must to save yourself.
No one deserves to be treated this way,especially by your so-called “family.”

About the Author

Kaylee is a co-founder of Good JuJu For You. She has been mindfully aware of and practicing her psychic abilities since she was a child. Led by her spirit guides, Kaylee has obtained a vast wealth of knowledge and experience with the ethereal realm and alternative modalities of energy healing.

spiritual awareness

Save

Save

Save

Page with Comments

  1. Found this article very informative,and explained in a clear conscise manner the abuse that can and does occurs within families.Thank you for the read

    1. I totally agree. Some people are worthless and aren’t going to do right but we are used to them. Reality is life is happier without the bull. I recently walked away from my family and it was a great choice because I don’t have to be a part of the bickering dramatics! Now they can focus on back stabbing each other but I’m sure others will take my example and leave also.

  2. I just need a chance to walk away and walk away for good Oh how great my life will be I know this day will come and coming soon a brand new day for me and forever thank you for your ear

  3. This is what I’ve been going thru for years. Hopefully some day I will be able to walk away. But for now I’m trapped in this hellish situation. I try not to let the comments bother me and let them slide off my shoulders. It gives me hope knowing that I’m not the only one living with this problem. I’ve thought about counseling but i feel that the roots of our issues are so tangled and thick that the poor counseler would run out and never look back.

  4. I have an Aunt, my mother’s sister who has always been the family gossip. She is now in her 80’s and has only gotten worse with age! She verbally attacks and accuses everyone she knows of stealing off her and has even gone so far as to call the police on me for something I never did or would ever do! She has done nothing but talk so horribly about all her family members, any friend she ever had, her dead husband etc…She is a wicked, wicked old woman.
    Only two of her sister’s will speak to her still, but she continues to gossip and say mean, hurtful things about EVERYONE, including the two sister’s who still speak to her. They say they feel obligated to her because she is “family”, I do not.
    I cut off all communication with this Aunt years ago after she continually slandered me and caused such distress and turmoil in my life…BUT that hasn’t stopped her from saying mean, hateful things about me to my two Aunt’s who speak to her.
    Over the past few years I have had the misfortune of running into this evil Aunt at family funerals, where she will always come up to me with a deceivingly cordial “hello” and an outreached hand. Each time I was cordial to her and have always been civil to her, in spite of her previous attacks on me…but she once again took another opportunity after the most recent funeral we attended to throw yet another knife into my back. One of my Aunt’s who speak to her relayed the gossip to me. (I have since asked my Aunts to never again relay her verbal attacks against me)…and decided to finally confront my evil Aunt over the phone.
    When I called her she pretended to not know who I am! I told her I am the your sister’s daughter, the one you are constantly and viciously throwing knives at when I turn my back to you. She said “Oh, my neice”. I said, “No, I am not your neice and you are not family to me in any way, shape or form”. I told her that if she is ever lucky enough to see me anywhere again to not approach me, to stay far away from me. That I will never again acknowledge her. That she is dead to me. She hung up on me.
    They say not to confront such people but I have to say that phone call was a huge relief for me. In that phone call I put to rest all the hurt and trauma she caused me in my life and I put her to rest!
    She is an 80 something bitter and vile old lady that will most likely die that way…full of her own poison and that is one family funeral I will not attend.

    1. Dear KissedbyJudas,

      Thank you for sharing. Believe me, you are not alone. There are so many of us with similar stories to tell. All of these dysfunctional dilemmas have caused conflict and pain of varying degrees to we the receivers.

      I applaud your courage for taking the appropriate measures necessary for you to cut it off and walk away. I am sure it has thrown a curveball into the relationship between you and your two other aunts.

      Learn to forgive her, for she knows not what she does. Am I sensing a bit of Dementia? Senility? Alzheimer’s?

      For your own well-being I encourage you to: Let it go.

      Love & Light,
      Kaylee

  5. Just what i needed to hear. Been torn apart between letting go and hoping things might get better my whole life. Thank you for such a wonderful read now i know what i should do even though it might not be easy to do but i have something to work on and very inspired.

    1. They don’t get better… They only get worse. Before you know it, you are financially screwed, legally taken advantage of and find out things have been going on for a long time that you weren’t aware of. This can take years of attorney fees to get clear of. You spend the rest of your life trying to get your name clear from debt that was not yours, people taking avatar of your good name and strong credit. Get out as fast as you can.

  6. No, no. just pray for her. It is not her , it is the evil spirit in her. I have an aunt like that and I had to go to the altar for her. i am now free of thr hurt and i have let her go and gave her to God. Now when she sees me, she tries to start conversations with me. I am cordial but keet it at Hi and how are you and nothing else. I do not hate her , I just feel sorry for her. Forgive her, let Go and let God!!!!!

  7. I have been so sad and confused, this morning I made the choice to distance myself from my brother, who I love, but has some deep seated anger toward me. Everything You wrote is spot on. We are tied together by a family business that is pretty sucseesful. My brother is very controlling and it’s his way or the highway. After 35 years, I’m tired of everything. I’m tired of being punished for disagreeing with him. Everyone always falls in line behind him, but not always me. His latest attack was verbal and I feel like I was shot with a machine gun. I want to leave more than anything! I have five children, aging parents and I just can’t run away. I want to hang on for ten more years just to get my kids through school. After that I need peace!
    His attacks never happen in front of others, after he’s done leaving me confused, sobbing and sick, he tells everyone how much he wants to get along. Weirdly he is now confiding in my husband. He wants my husband to work with him to archive his vision. I just want to run away, far away! But I can’t do that to my parents and kids. I do own half of this business, but money has never been important, but I have kids, they need stability. I want my kids to be happy and have the best childhood. I am just really sad! Grieving the loss of a relationship, reminding myself that the attacks may not be over. I feel like he wants to convince everyone I’m crazy, so they could commit me into a mental institute. Your article confirmed there is no answer, I just need to make it to my own finish line.

    1. Terri,
      I read your comment and I feel sad for you. This is a sticky situation because of the business you share with your brother. Realistically, you can only distance yourself so much. Something you stated struck me, “weirdly he is now confiding in my husband.” I do not find that weird a bit. I feel like it was purely a strategic move on your brother’s part for control. I hope your husband confides in you to the true nature of their conversations. This should bring you insight and provide a slight edge in deciding which battles to participate in. If you can change your reactions to your brother’s narcissistic tendencies, this should help you cope and hurt you less. You know that running away is not the answer. Making and taking time for yourself is. Brother, business, husband, five children, aging parents, cooking, cleaning, etc… Please start a 15 minute per day meditation practice. I want you to experience peace now!
      Love & Light,
      Kaylee

  8. This comment is to help someone out there. I have a hateful bitter mother in law and two half/sisters who turned their backs on me when I wanted to celebrate my 40th birthday with family. Having a healthy extended family has alway been a dream of mine as I come from a single parent emotionally unavailable Mom. So experiencing negativity from those who you expect to love you is a deep cut and to some extent the death of a dream. After my birthday something shifted in me and I realized the utter lack of reciprocity from those I craved loved from. Miserable people do not but take, bully, and disrupt the lives of other to soothe their deep inner turmoil. The saying is true: don’t judge a book by its cover…because most who are miserable. The truth of their hearts is always in their action, inaction and bad intentions. And please keep in mind…While their actions are hurtful it’a never really about you as much as its about what eats their insides alive at night. Forgiveness is never really easy when you’ve had expectations attached to specific relationships but it does get easier when you decided to live for you and to love those who love you. Now I see that the attacks on my confidence have been a GIFT because they forced me to stand in RESPECT and LOVE for myself.

  9. Hello Thread posters , thanks for your bravery in sharing . My story is similar , my entire family has always seen me as the black sheep as a child until now. My parents are not committed to each other & the entire family has been non supportive , envious, jealous , insecure backstabbers. Despite their lack of concern or adversarial behavior I’ve always turned the other cheek & to no avail things only got worse . I made poor decisions in my early life but I’ve never asked anybody to support me financially or dig me out of my dilemmas . I’ve taken full responsibility for my actions and learned hard life lessons . I now have 3 degrees including a graduate degree , have earned well over 6 figures . Unfortunately when I had an extended medical leave that left me with an end result of thankfulness for being alive nobody including my mother or father as offered any type of benevolence toward me. Albeit as stated earlier I’ve always looked past their faults & never declined to help them in a moment of need as they’re suppose to be “family”. Well I’ve come to a very disturbing and raw conclusion and that is I really don’t have a family at all! People that I’ve shared my story with have come to be judgemental of my position & have remarked about forgiveness . I believe in the power of God and forgiveness . That being said the way my family as displayed blatant lack of concern, disregard , and vehement jealously is not white washed all because I forgive them. The toxic dysfunction has driven me to the point of no return and I’ve tried to listen to them, talk to them & rationalize on the subject and they curtly refuse to acknowledge or dialogue about their actions . Some people tend to feel that it’s not a good thing to do away with family because after all family should be a dependable source but if you don’t have a family to begin with or family oriented people there is no way to FORCE people to have a genuine desire to behave and participate like a family so I’m this case I have to strongly disagree that every person has to make things right to be a family ! I’m a person of high integrity and values. Unfortunately those qualities do not resonate or reflect who my parents, brothers , sisters, aunts, uncle , and cousins are with the exception of 1 uncle my mothers baby brother . I’ve had a great life & ive learned and painfully so to live without my so called family and continue to Pursue my goals and enjoy the fruit of my life accomplishments that have been met with challenge all to serve a higher purpose for the greater good ! Thank you for sharing the space on your thread post ! Blessings

  10. Good points- if you can’t walk away then don,t complain and learn to cope. But when you do walk away parents tend to make you feel guilty, and will use others to control you.

    You have to stand your ground ignore the parents- rise above them and lecture them on how sick the instigators are, and take control. Don’t always be on the defense, wait until you enemy exposes themselves- then hit them where it hurts hard and many times, that’s the only language they understand.

    You fight fire with fire

  11. I have a brother who has always acted as if he’s better than me…told me what a piece of crap I am etc…if I ever disagreed with or questioned him about anything then I was crazy and stupid…well he has stolen money out from under me when our Father died..has turned everyone against me…even my own 2 adult son’s…has apparently given one of them access to some money to get them to go along with him…he has destroyed my life and because he is so skilled at this he has even convinced attorneys of his lies…never felt so alone in my life….they have even contacted my employers to defame me…try to get me fired and ultimately committed I guess….it’s truly unbelievable how twisted my own relatives are…..even people who know of the lies have gone along for the rewards….I’m afraid I won’t be able to escape his insanity….can’t believe 2 people I gave birth to could do this

    1. Beth, I am so sorry for your pain. I am in a similar situation and know the heartbreak it causes. Picking up and moving on after an ordeal like this is a slow and painful process, but it can be done. I had to relocate and change all of my bank accounts to keep toxic family members from stealing. Know that you are not alone and there are very evil people that can run in your bloodline.

  12. I HAVE A BROTHER WHO HATES ME HE HAS TAUGHT HIS CHILDREN TO BE RUDE & NASTY TO ME , I AM 13 MONTHS OLDER THEN HIM, BUT MY MOTHER & FATHER ALWAYS LIKED HIM BETTER THEN ME HE WAS SMARTER THEN ME , HAD LOTS OF FRIENDS , I WAS DUMB, AND IMMATURE MY MOTHER WOULD NOT LET ME GROW UP, I NEVER HAD FRIENDS I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO DO ANYTHING OR GO ANYPLACE WITHOUT HER, MY MOTHER WAS MENTALLY ILL, MY BROTHER WAS SMART HE LEFT HOME AS SOON AS HE GRADUATED AND JOINED THE NAVY , HE GOT A REAL GOOD JOB AND FAMILY, WHILE I WAS STUCK AT HOME TAKING CARE OF MY CRAZY MOTHER, NEVER HAD A JOB EXCEPT FOR A BEING A BABYSITTER, NEVER AMOUNTED TO ANYTHING GOT MARRIED TO GET AWAY THINGS GOT WORSE I AM IN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE NO KIDS JUST PETS , EVERYTHING WAS FINE UNTIL MY MOTHER GOT SICK THEY MOVED TO FLORDIA TO GET AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND AND ME, I REFUSED TO COME CARE FOR HER DID NOT WANT TO HE DIVORICED HIS CHEATING WIFE, HIS DAUGHTER DIED NOW HE IS STUCK TAKING CARE OF HER SON, HIS SON IS A DRUNK WHO HE TAKES CARE OF BECAUSE HE CANNOT WORK OR DRIVE, I MADE A COMMENT ON FACEBOOK THEY TOOK OFFENSE AND THEY WILL NOT TALK TO ME OR POST ME OR LET ME BE A PART OF THE FAMILY I AM SICK OF THE PROBLEMS THEY HAVE CAUSED AND THE WAY I AM TREATED, I SHOULD BE DEAD I WOULD BE BETTER OFF , THEY DO NOT CARE HOW MUCH THEY HURT ME,,JUST SO LONG AS I SEND GIFTS AND NEVER COMMENT ON ANYTHING, I WILL BE 65 IN AUG I AM SICK OF THIS CRAP TRASH TREATMENT

    1. Catherine,
      We feel your pain and anger. It is time to release your resentment and frustration. It most certainly is not serving you well. Physical distance is a good start but mentally and emotionally distancing yourself from all toxic relationships in your life would be advisable. We send you positive thoughts and prayers.
      Much love,
      Kaylee and Kamaira

  13. I was abused a long time ago by one of my brothers and my dad who is now deceased. My niece decided to tell all my family about it on Facebook and now most of my family have turned their backs on me and calling me a liar. I recently decided to report the abuse to the police because I am so sick of being called a liar. It’s a really distressing situation which I don’t see an end to. How does anyone cope with having such a big family but a big portion of them think I’m lying?

  14. I cut ties with my narcissist sister a few years ago after our parents had died. There is a third sister but the narcissist eventually alienated her, too.
    She has no one….. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthdays ~ NO ONE.
    We have no idea how she spends those holidays.
    What I do know is ~ she posts horrible lies about me on Facebook; she taunts me with emails; she threatens the safety of my granddaughter; she tells lies about me to cousins.
    I do not respond to anything. She must wonder if I even get the emails.
    But, when she goes public with her lies about me or, as she did today ~ sends them all (including me) a LONG email detailing all of the terrible things I have ever done ~ all I wish my cousins would do is tell her: “I don’t think Susan would do that.”
    They do nothing.
    They won’t “take sides”. We have to work this out ourselves.
    She interprets their silence as approval.
    How do I get over the hurt??
    It just hurts me so much that no one will defend me….. they all seem so chummy with her …….
    They won’t hold her accountable for her actions so she will NEVER stop.
    Intellectually, I know I am better off than she and living well is the best revenge.
    But, why does it hurt so much to not get any validity from my cousins?
    How can I shake this hurt from them without cutting them off from me??

  15. This is real an my family had turned their back on me years ago. When i was young about 13 or 14. My step mom used to beet me an tell me you think this some wait to me an your dad get married. An she used to tell me that other people come before me. An from that point on i was scared of her out my mind i didn’t known tell my dad i thought she will kill me cause she looks at so much lifetime. But anyway now im about 17 or 18 my dad put me out an took me too my grandma house. He lied too her talking about she dont listens to me the hole time its my step mom not wanted me their. I will call my dad asking him for help. He changed his number on me. He didn’t want anything to do with me. Because of her. So i get around this so called family of mine. They was so mean too me. So now now im at the age of 19 an i meet a guy 20 years older than me an became preagent. An had a lil girl. My aunt an her daughter started helping with her. I was in the streets a lot. An my lil girl was with my so called family. An her dad was also apart of her life. Acting like they was helping me but relly aginst me. Im 30 now. So my step mom started coming around them alot now an ever looking down on me an now ever one is aginst me i still haven’t told anyone yet. This lady is crazy.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *