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Friend or Frenemy?

 friend or frenemy

Friend

Thirty years ago I was introduced to one of the most important people in my life to date.
My contractor at the time said to me, “you should meet my wife. I think you two would hit it off and become fast friends.” He wasn’t kidding. That very day he drove me to their house and the rest is history. I liked her immediately.

Definitely one of those soulful connection type encounters. I remember thinking, “I could rock with this chick.” She was extremely laid back. Confident, not cocky. Yet, living a lifestyle that many might envy. She had a spring in her step, quite literally.

What drew me in though was she seemed sincere and genuine. There was nothing fake or contrived. We both seemed to have an organic chemistry in which we had known each other for decades. It was easy and comfortable.

I felt that this woman didn’t have a malicious bone in her body. What she said, she meant. It was clear from the onset that we vibed well. We had much in common. The longer we talked, it became apparent as to what and why.  What sticks in my mind the most about that day was that she turned to me and said,

“I think we’re going to be friends for a very long time. But, if at any point in our relationship, for any reason, that we are not, I want you to agree here and now that we will not speak ill of each other. We will go to the grave with the information shared between us and honor our friendship no matter what.”

Well, that statement told me a lot. Obviously she had been cut to the bone by a previous so-called friend.

She said she felt safe with me to confide her thoughts and secrets as long as I was willing to make this pact. If I was in agreement, there would be no worries. We would be free to be ourselves without restrictions. I wholeheartedly agreed to the terms without reservations. We were in sync. To me, this was what a ‘real friendship’ was all about.

friend or frenemy

Friendship Put to the Test

Through all the years of trials and tribulations there was a brief period in our relationship when we did not speak and this ‘contract’ was put to the test. Those who shall not be named had gotten between us. Ultimatums had been laid. Me or him. During that tumultuous time, if it was going to happen it would have.

We were being pulled apart and pressured to turn on each other. Both of us remained silent. There was never an ill word mentioned of the other. There were no underhanded comments or attempts at slaying character. No secrets were shared. No blood was spilled. We remained true to our word. We fulfilled our contract and honored our friendship.

We continue to share mutual respect and gratitude for each others’ presence. As it should be. I never second-guessed our friendship or regretted our initial agreement. I knew her soul was pure. There wasn’t a malicious bone in her body—not toward me or anyone.

I cannot say I have been this fortunate with other so-called ‘friendships.’

crazy

Frenemy

People tend to come and go. It’s the cycle of life. They are in and out for a reason or a season. This is to be accepted and expected. This is how we learn and grow.

What is unacceptable and unexpected is that a former friend feels the need to run their mouth in a negative way about you and your private exchanges shared in confidence during your time together.

One has to wonder…

What would prompt this vindictive behavior?

Does belittling an ex-anyone make one feel better about the loss of the relationship?

Because if it does, he or she clearly needs to be working overtime on some deep-seated issues. It is never alright to use what a friend has confided as a weapon against them.

If one feels the need to stock pile a friend’s secrets—holding them for a rainy day when they have the blues and need a boost—well this problem is more about them than anything another person could have ever done or said to them. They have not only betrayed the sanctity of the once friendship but have revealed a dark truth about themselves.

frenemy

There is no reason or excuse to justify a deliberate assault of an ex-friend’s character. Selling someone out will not solve any problems. In fact, this turn of trust could open the flood gates to hell. We all know there are no winners there.

Honestly, either person may feel disappointed, hurt, betrayed and/or attacked at some point in any relationship.

How you react is what sets the tone.

Your reaction reveals your inner nature and tells the other party everything they need to know. What you say and do from that point will determine whether this is a friendship worth fighting over or for.

This depends on a few key factors.

Friend or frenemy

3 Questions to Help You Determine Friend or Frenemy

What is the True Nature of the individual(s) involved?

Do you genuinely have each others’ Best Interest at heart?

Does this friendship consist of Trust and Mutual Respect?

If one chooses to lash out with unflattering dialogue about or toward said friend or ex friend than this would clearly state that one has an evil streak. This would be considered an act of vengeance not atonement.

Vindictive behaviors are what is expected from a sociopath or psychopath, not a ‘true friend’ or one you have held close to your heart and referred to as ‘family.’

Re-evaluate the ‘true nature’ of the individuals involved. If you have ever seen unsavory words and actions radiate off your so-called friend onto someone else and thought to yourself that they would never do YOU this way…

Think again.

True Nature.

For example, if you have witnessed this person fronting a holy roller lifestyle, preaching Gods words with a fake smile and an “I love you” to members of the congregation, only to talk pure ‘T’ smack about them behind their backs as to how gullible and naive they really are, well…

Think again.

Genuine Best Interest?

If you know for a fact that your ‘bestie’ has broken a marriage by cheating, called the boss of an ex-friend with a bunch of bull to get them fired, lied, stolen or committed fraud to governmental authorities, acts sweet, demure and supportive in public, but really is a venomous viper or black widow type behind the scenes that would slit another’s throat in their sleep if they could get away with it, then…

Think again.

Trust and Mutual Respect?

If this sounds familiar, you have seen their true nature. They do not have your best interest at heart. They cannot be trusted.

This reflection of events would not be considered judgment. It is an observation of actual events. You are a spectator of their demonstrations.

If you are like me, you have been patient, given them the benefit of the doubt, encouraged, been supportive, promoted change, provided the knowledge and tools to do so, extended TLC, given them all you have to give, yet the cycle continues. Same shit, different day. While somehow it is always your fault for whatever and you still have to look over your shoulder with apprehension and worry that you could be their next target. Believe me, feeling sorry for them won’t shield you.

Ahh…No. That is ultimately a frenemy. So, let them go and do not invest anymore of your energy into wishing they would sprout wings. Take this experience as a valuable lesson learned to further your own growth and enlightenment. Be generous with your forgiveness and bless them.

bye

About the Author

Kaylee is a co-founder of Good JuJu For You. She has been mindfully aware of and practicing her psychic abilities since she was a child. Led by her spirit guides, Kaylee has obtained a vast wealth of knowledge and experience with the ethereal realm and alternative modalities of energy healing. Kaylee is a shamanic healer and New Age artist.

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Narcissist and A-hole – Are They One In the Same?

narcissist asshole

Are people consciously aware that they are acting like total a-holes or is it an automatic response? Are these individuals oblivious to how they are being perceived? Are they so caught up in their own thoughts, feelings and emotions that they are completely unaware of how other humans view and react to their words and actions? A self-absorbed unenlightened mindset to life’s challenges seems to be the underlying factor. If you are consumed with self, how could you consider anyone else?

AllAboutMe

People with this mentality seem to think it is all about them. What they need, what they want, what is in it for them. They could truly care less about me, you or anyone else. As long as they end up on top of the heap, smelling like a rose. They would not be affected by how many of our corpses they had to step on and climb over to get there.

I assess this as assholic behavior and I would define it as misguided and delusional.

Are these individuals so self-absorbed with their own lives that they do not stop to consider that they inhabit this planet with approximately seven billion other people?

self-centered

Could these souls be deemed as narcissistic?

A narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. People with this disorder often believe they are of primary importance in everybody’s life or to anyone they meet. A personality disorder is an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates from the norm of the individual’s culture.

Because narcissism seems to be a pervasive problem in today’s society, there must be a key component that is influencing its rapid spread. Perhaps we should investigate possible sources of narcissism such as our air and water quality (haha)…not just our upbringing. Childhood influences may not be the only factors that cause someone to become narcissistic.

narcissistic

A narcissist is excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity. They are mentally unable to see the destructive damage they cause to themselves and others. These individuals believe the world revolves around them. They exhibit arrogant behaviors and have a lack of empathy for others. Narcissists pay attention only to themselves and the things that affect them personally. They require excessive praise and compliments. If they are not worshiped they react with hurt and rage. Criticism is NOT a word in their vocabulary.

Have you ever confronted this type of personality?

arrogance

They will contradict themselves and the facts. They will flip a script on you. They will say you are lying and crazy. You will waste your time and breath trying to reason with someone who is void of empathy. They tune you out. They do not choose to hear you because other people’s feelings are of no consequence to them. One who holds narcissism in their heart, holds fantasy in their brain.

narcissist ego

It does not matter how gently you broach the fact that this type of behavior does have its consequences. A true narcissist will say and do anything for self-justification. They cannot and will not see they have a problem. It is always someone else who has the problem and needs to change. They are perfect and superior. A narcissist feels entitled to whatever they can take. They also feel entitled to exploit other people with no awareness regarding repercussions. They have a dismissive attitude toward other people’s feelings, concerns and property. They are completely disconnected with reality, and as such they inaccurately interpret other people’s words and actions. They believe they are liked and respected despite their history of exploitative personal interactions.

narcissist

Narcissists tend to be unwilling rather than unable to change their character. This is a behavioral pattern that can be unlearned if first one is willing to recognize that they portray these characteristics of this disorder. The core feature is antagonism. Narcissists have a grandiose, attention-seeking and callousness which puts these individuals at odds with other people. Narcissists expect automatic compliance, otherwise look out.

narcissist

Consider these Narcissistic traits:
  • Lacks empathy
  • Has a grandiose sense of self-importance
  • A sense of entitlement
  • Is interpersonally exploitative
  • Often envious of others
  • Requires excessive admiration
  • Shows arrogant behaviors and/or attitudes
  • Believes he or she is special
  • Preoccupied with fantasy

Now I ask you, is this just a bunch of psychobabble verbiage wrapped up in a convenient tidy term called “narcissism” or could we just use a layman’s phrase and call it what it really is, “what a self-centered asshole!” That is my diagnosis.

About the Author

Kaylee is a co-founder of Good JuJu For You. She has been mindfully aware of and practicing her psychic abilities since she was a child. Led by her spirit guides, Kaylee has obtained a vast wealth of knowledge and experience with the ethereal realm and alternative modalities of energy healing. Kaylee is a shamanic healer and New Age artist.

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Drama Queens and Kings – Disappointment vs Devastation

disappointment and devastation

Have you ever noticed that many Drama Kings and Drama Queens seem to have no distinction between disappointment and devastation?

It appears to those of us observing from the outskirts that the slightest of letdowns is escalated to a full-blown catastrophe of epic proportions.

These theatrical episodes seem to start small. They can be triggered by something as insignificant as a broken fingernail. Before you have a chance to absorb what has actually just occurred, they abruptly go on some psychedelic journey of worst-case scenarios.

They stream past the obvious solution that would provide a quick remedy. In this case, a utensil called: nail clippers.

Unfortunately their mind couldn’t wrap itself around the non-severity of the situation. To them, they are in the midst of a crisis. A broken fingernail has been turned and twisted into an unrecognizable dilemma.

What is so alarming to the viewer is that these Drama Delinquents don’t even take a breath before they race to the mental finish line of worse possible outcomes. They do a mad dash to devastation.

If you are able to refrain from comment and sit back to observe, you will find their antics have no justification, nor do they need any to continue down the dark path. They somehow convince themselves that something as trivial as a broken nail will lead to possible bacterial infection, staph, gangrene and ultimately amputation.

If you can remain objective you will be amazed at the speed in which they travel from A to Z.

If you are affiliated with one of these individuals it doesn’t take long to ascertain that this mentality goes across the board to every aspect of the Drama King or Drama Queen’s life.

They live under the proverbial cloud of death and destruction. It goes way past pessimism. They are consumed with fear. What branches off that fear is a host of negative emotions that ramp to unrecognizable proportions.

This would explain how you or I might view something like being stood up as a disappointment, an inconvenience or even down right rude. A simple deduction that clearly has nothing to do with us and everything to do with the person who didn’t show up.

Okay we might be disturbed or even a bit upset but we can shake it off (whatever the reason) and move on.

Not so much for those rooted in drama. They will take it to the next level. Suddenly it’s all about them and they will flood themselves with a tidal wave of self-deprecating negatives.

Why me? What did I do? What’s wrong with me?

They obviously do not like me. I must not be good enough. I am clearly inadequate. I don’t deserve friends.

self-worth

A minor bump in the road has turned into an issue of self-worth.

A letdown has gone array. A full-blown depression has set in. For the next week you will hear nothing but how pathetic they are. This train of thought could spiral down even farther to “Why bother? I might as well call it quits. Nobody would care if I did.”

Now, for those of us wondering, watching and witnessing this unfold, what can we do?

First of all we must acknowledge that a Drama King or Drama Queen did not develop these dramatic tendencies overnight. Therefore, a few kind words or a wave of the magic wand will not remove what’s going on with them.

If you choose to stay close to them, I will say now, many don’t. They cut and run. They drop the drama like a hot potato or a bad habit.

You may consider these issues out of your scope of help. But before you opt out, show some compassion. Gently suggest some professional counseling and poignantly point out why.

If on the other hand you feel committed to the challenge and the relationship, it will require you to have the patience of a saint.

Change will not come overnight. It is unrealistic to think that it could. This will be an ongoing process of reassurance and a restructuring of their thoughts. Of course it is essential to have a willing participant. Be the voice of reason and dissect their fears, one by one. Establish what triggered the current fiasco to spin horribly out of control. The drama initiator may be oblivious to their patterns that prompt the cycle.

Be careful not to become an enabler to the dysfunction. Guard against transfer and/or assimilation to the avalanche of events. If you are not aware you very easily could be buried by the momentum and the force.

If at any point you become overwhelmed, ascertain that you cannot handle the drama or recognize that there has been no visible shift toward improvement, suggest they seek help from someone other than yourself.

There should be no shame in admitting you are not equipped to deal with the constant onslaught of drama. At this point it is advisable to choose to save yourself.

Clearly the Drama King or Drama Queen has chosen to remain drama royalty.

If you have come to this decision because their course of action continues to speak louder than their words, then the end result is that they must occupy their castle without you.

You should carry no fault or failure for being a friend. Walk away knowing you tried with every fiber of your being to extend care and concern. Unfortunately they were unwilling and/or unable to change despite your efforts.

It would be perfectly natural to feel extremely disappointed but let’s leave it there. Going on to devastation would be their tactic. You have seen for yourself that game has no winners.

Life is too short to be anything but happy.

About the Author

Kaylee is a co-founder of Good JuJu For You. She has been mindfully aware of and practicing her psychic abilities since she was a child. Led by her spirit guides, Kaylee has obtained a vast wealth of knowledge and experience with the ethereal realm and alternative modalities of energy healing.

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When Your So-Called Family Turns Out to Be Your Worst Enemy

How could it possibly be that you have to worry about such an absurdity as your relatives trying to hurt you?

family tearing you down

As adults we have had to learn the hard way through societal interaction and experience that not everyone is nice and caring, nor do they have our best interests at heart. Unfortunately this is a fact. We are surrounded by hoodooers and backstabbers.

There are people who would be inclined to climb on and over our corpses if there was something in it for themselves.

When our parents taught us to beware of strangers, that usually meant those who we did not know could potentially harm us. Stranger danger. Never once do I remember being lectured to that I must watch out for family members (from a direct bloodline or in-laws by marriage) whose souls were filled with sarcasm, clouded by insecurity, plagued with jealousy and consumed with ignorance.

Who knew that one may be forced at some point in one’s life to ward off hateful behaviors and combative communication from a relative who emphatically felt the need to contribute to your demise by constant attacks?

Examples of when your so-called “family”
turns out to be your worst enemy:

1 ) You marry into a family who thinks you are not good enough,
nor will you ever be for their son/daughter/sibling.

At every turn in your relationship with your significant other, you must always be looking over your shoulder and around corners for negative comments and sneaky sabotage to your character. You have to defend yourself from blatant lies concocted by your miserable, jealous sister-in-laws or having your brother-in-law tell you to your face, “You’re not part of this family.” Then again, when it comes to the Christmas time gathering, with everyone watching, they saccharinely kiss your cheek and say, “It’s nice to see you.” Actually, you dread these awkward family socials because you know that ultimately they will feast on your carcass as the main course…or poison your plum pudding. You can never relax and let your guard down. In fact, the stress makes you physically ill. The most upsetting part is when you confide in your partner, they defend their family. Unfortunately the ride home always turns into a screaming match followed by a session of uncontrollable crying.

2 ) What if your own mother or father do not love you
and could care less if you were breathing breath or not?

They make no effort to contact you or see you. Your well-being is not their concern. The most hurtful thing is that you honestly know their sentiments in relation to you and it cuts to the bone. The bottom line in this is if your parents don’t love you, you ultimately think, “What is wrong with me? This is supposed to be a birthright given unconditionally.” This could also transfer to, “If my parental units do not care about me, why should I care about myself?” This mentality of low self-esteem and unworthiness could lead to anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction and other self-destructive behaviors.

3 ) You have been happily married for ten years…
or so you thought.

You begin to notice drastic changes in your relationship. Your husband starts staying out later and later each evening. You notice significant amounts of money missing from your joint account. You confront your spouse and he responds with, “You’re crazy!” You begin to super sleuth through his cell phone bill and find a number that has been called and is calling repetitively. You dial this number and the woman on the other end of the phone tries to reassure you that they are just friends and have met at work. Your suspicious mind goes off the deep end and hires a private investigator who informs you that indeed your husband is cheating with this woman and has fathered a child with her. The child is seven years old.

4 ) Your brother is a backstabbing bastard.

Your parents pass away. You and your brother take over the family business. Problems start to arise with customers complaining of missing merchandise and that they have been shorted on deliveries. You demand answers from your sibling about the screwups and the complaints. He peddles quick answers that he will handle it. Everyday you receive yet another inquiry from a client. They paid and did not get. You question your brother repetitively. He brushes you off. You then get notification from the bank. Your brother has borrowed against the business and is delinquent in repaying the loan. Unfortunately you found out too late. You file bankruptcy and lose the family business due to double dealing and dipping.


family tears you down

It is unrealistic to believe that every family structure should be compared to the proverbial “Leave It to Beaver” model from the 1960s television show. On the other hand I do not feel that it is far-fetched to expect mutual love, respect and support when referring to our family members. Oh silly me and my hopeful self. That is just not the case nor the scenario for some of us.

Having to be on high alert toward those considered kin is not what one would choose. But if you have been repeatedly put in the position of sweeping trouble from your doorstep that was brought on by repetitive toxic behaviors from family members, I’d say it’s time to address the subject.

Obviously there had to have been many signs, symptoms and examples that have led to the boiling-over phase of toxicity and conflict.

Could it have possibly been the years of sideways sneers?
The constant snippy comments?
The blatantly sneaky tendencies?
The acts of incredible selfishness?
The persistent poking jabs?
The onslaught of lies?
Or at times the volatility?

Any or all of the above examples of hatefulness could lead you to believe you are involved in an unhealthy situation and would indicate that you should run for cover.

Ending any type of relationship, whether it be friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, or with a blood relative, requires stamina to work through the soul searching, the internal struggle, host of emotions and endless daunting questions placed upon oneself. But, when you are considering or have come to the conclusion to call it quits with a relative, there is a multiplied sense of loyalty involved. Your own moral compass is off-kilter, and as such you are unsure of direction. Which path do you take?

You may just have to love these family members from a distance.

This might translate to spending considerably less time around these individuals. But if the abuse is unbearable, remove yourself completely from their clutches.

If you decide to generate conversation concerning this negative behavior, do not be surprised if the other party dishes you a plate full of passive aggressive, judgmental verbiage, accompanied by some disturbing gestures. If these folks were willing to communicate effectively and work with you rather than against you, there would be no need for the discussion in the first place. They have made it their goal to make you miserable. They have a carefully crafted routine of slinging sarcasm and excuses. They have many methods for deflecting off themselves and dumping it back on you. This will not suddenly stop because you were brave enough to bring it to their attention.

In fact, they may turn up the heat and try to bully you into submission.

For every valid point of contention that you raise, be prepared for them to turn it against you and claim that it is all your fault. Toxic people are masters of the blame game. They want you to hush and bow down. If these tactics fail, they will probably attempt to manipulate you into feelings of guilt, duty and obligation. Guilt is an extremely powerful weapon if you allow it to be.

Here lies the danger if you back down, go along to get along, don’t speak up and take a proactive stance.

You start to question yourself with agonizing thoughts. You are forced to contemplate your own sanity and worthiness, especially if you have been called crazy and told it is your fault. You have had the script flipped on you constantly and the fingers pointed at you as the “bad one” countless times. You have been infiltrated and infected with overwhelming doses of toxicity and the effects begin to show. You are off-balance and it has taken a toll. You are inundated with emotions, mostly feelings of hurt and anger. You struggle between forgiveness and hatred. Your appetite may suffer. You are plagued with sleepless nights. You find it impossible to stop the tears. The bombardment of negativity and its repercussions have left you utterly resentful and broken.

Now is the time to realize and awaken to the fact that it is not you.
It is them.

You have absolutely NO control over what they say and what they do. Their opinions and behaviors are based on their own poor self-reflection. If you have given many opportunities and multiple attempts to repair the damage, but it is an obvious pattern that your relatives refuse to break, you know you must move on.

Detach, release and walk away.

time to turn your back

Remember that your toxic family member(s) determined the pecking order and they probably want to keep the status quo of dominance, belligerence and disrespect.

Why wouldn’t they? They are not on the receiving end. The only thing is that they cannot continue the dysfunction if you decide to remove yourself from the equation.

So do what you must to save yourself.
No one deserves to be treated this way,especially by your so-called “family.”

About the Author

Kaylee is a co-founder of Good JuJu For You. She has been mindfully aware of and practicing her psychic abilities since she was a child. Led by her spirit guides, Kaylee has obtained a vast wealth of knowledge and experience with the ethereal realm and alternative modalities of energy healing.

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